R18: Girls, Here's How You Pick Up A Babe'n One Night Stand

What to Wear

You need to find an outfit that says, “I’m not wearing a chastity belt, but I won’t go past third base on the first date either.” This is an easy task if you have already embraced hipster fashion. Throw a white lace dress over a black bra or team a Joy Division tee with black tights – bonus points for each easy-access hole you rip. Another great thing about the hipster subculture is that everyone knows it’s just an excuse for ugly people to get laid; so even if you’re a bit of a minger, you’ll still be in with a chance. Studies show that men find red the most approachable colour because they feel scarlet women are less likely to reject them. This rule doesn’t extend to lipstick. Unless you’re going for the experimental toddler look, just don’t wear any. It’s only going end up all over someone’s penis anyway. Finally, make sure you douse yourself in enough perfume to mask the smell of desperation. My personal favourite is Britney Spears’ Fantasy, because it smells like a combination of a baby prostitute and Allan’s lollies.

What to Pack

The balance between preparedness and desperation is quite precarious, so don’t fuck it up. Take a toothbrush out, but don’t let anyone see it. Makeup wipes aren’t a bad idea either: your smoky eyes may look magical at midnight, but come 9am, you’ll just look like a slutty panda with a crack addiction. If you’re a smoker, never pack a lighter. Asking a man to borrow one is often the beginning of a long and intense relationship. With lung cancer. Cash-wise, always make a point of taking enough for two cabs and the morning-after pill.

Where to Go

If you have a target male in mind, religiously refresh his Twitter and Facebook wall until you can work out his itinerary. If he’s not one for publicising his movements, text him off a friend’s phone under the guise of a generic nom de plume, e.g. “Dude it’s Dan/Sam/Mitch, my phone died… what are you boys up to tonight?” Works like a charm. Alternatively, if you’re looking for fresh meat, backpacker’s bars are by far the best places in the world to pick up. And by pick up, I mean Chlamydia. Backpackers are nearly always single, and when they’re not, they’re abiding by the postcode rule anyway. Plus, accents make even the ugliest boys rootable. Look at Prince William and Pete Doherty.

How to Get Approached

Linger at the bar coquettishly flicking your eyes between the cocktail menu and the cock around you until someone takes notice. When a drink offer comes, hesitate and pretend to reach for your wallet before accepting. This will trick your man into thinking you’re not a scab, which will make him more comfortable with leaving his credit card lying around in the future. But remember: you don’t just want a guy who can buy you a mojito – he also needs to be able to spell it. Test this skill out as early as possible, or you’ll risk receiving a text the next day that says “your so gorgess hun, had alot of fun with u!”

What to Say

No one ever actually uses pick up lines, especially girls. So by doing so, you will look quirky and ironic – like you watch Margaret and David at the Movies every Wednesday. I recommend the following: “My hands are cold… can I put them in your pants?”, “Are we related? No? Wanna be?” or my personal favourite, “Is your dad a baker? Because I want to have sex with you.”

Going Home Together

Once you’ve snared your man, leave the venue together as soon as possible so that no other skanks can get their claws into him. But before you go, make sure you’re both completely maggot, especially if either of you are less than a 4/10. First-time sex is always so much more fun when you’re too drunk to find a condom, he can’t get it up and you both throw up afterwards. But in all seriousness, you should never fuck on the first date if you want there to be a second. Unless you’ve managed to blow him and his mind like no other, most of the time he won’t be interested. Yes, this is ridiculously sexist, but it stems from a primitive male instinct: cavemen didn’t want to be with promiscuous cavewomen because they couldn’t be sure they were fathering their own offspring. Women don’t have this problem anymore, because we evolved.

Post-Weekend Protocol

Do not try to add your new squeeze on Facebook at 3am on Saturday night when you’re still in the nightclub. Cringe. Everyone knows that you’re supposed to wait until the Tuesday after. If you were never given a surname, make up a good excuse about how you managed to hunt them down – never admit to scrolling through 293 different Jacks in Sydney until you found the right one.
I have never been remotely interested in a guy until he has failed to reply to a text message. Rejection is the key to winning anyone’s heart. If he is the one playing this card, don’t ever double-text: it spells desperate even more than an RSVP.com profile does.