Parents Share What They Know About Their Child That They Will Never Tell Him/Her

1/11 I am a single dad of a teenage boy and teenage girl. I know that they talk shit about me with each other when they are mad at me. I would never say anything because I want them to have a close bond forever. I know that they still love and respect me. Plus, there are tons of long showers at weird times throughout the day. Photo: Getty

2/11 Went to use the bathroom and I left our 8-month old on the rug. I found her in the walk-in closet gnawing on my dildo. Photo: Getty

3/11 Once walked in on daughter masturbating in dark. Was putting away folded laundry and thought she was asleep. I acted cool like I saw nothing, put laundry away, apologized for waking her and walked out. Cool mom. Photo: Getty

4/11 My son is four and he doesn't think I know about the vegetables he puts in his pockets when I'm not looking. Photo: Getty

5/11 That my husband and I had a $100 bet on our son's sexuality. I bet $100 he was gay. There hasn't been a winner yet. My husband wins if our son gets married to a woman and has a child with her. Our son is still a bit too young for marriage. I win if he comes out of the closet. He's had girlfriends, but I'm convinced they're just beards. Photo: Getty

6/11 That there's a chance he was concieved while me and his dad were both tripping on acid. Photo: Getty

7/11 Dad here ... I know what he's doing with the butter and that's why I buy the store brand for him to "make toast at night" and leave my good butter alone. Photo: Getty

8/11 My son (2) was taking a shower with me and started to slip so he grabbed the first thing he could...my junk. I think the whole base could hear my screams and he was really freaked out because daddy was on the ground. Don't think I'll ever let him know about that for both our sakes. Photo: Getty

9/11 That my son left his speakers on while he was wearing headphones listening to some girl scream "fuck me in my little pussy" late at night. God that was loud...I still wonder how he didn't know it was playing through both. Photo: Getty

10/11 I have a favorite. Photo: Getty

11/11 That she ate cat poop. We had a very long haired cat at the time (RIP little buddy). Apparently some poop got stuck to his fur only to fall out upstairs where the baby was crawling around and found it. Five years later she is still a normal happy and healthy child. Sorry sweetheart! Photo: Getty